Help with Your Divorce
How to Prepare for Divorce
This post reproduces Chapter 9, How Do I Prepare for Divorce, of the 20-chapter, 50,000-word, start-to-finish guide Help with Your Divorce, available in paperback and digital as part of the Help with Your Series. Investigate the series at help-with-your.com.
Ruth wished that she had prepared better for her divorce. She had decided to divorce and then met with and retained an attorney before doing anything else. Ruth had approved when the attorney said that they could go ahead and file and serve the divorce complaint immediately. Ruth hadn’t realized until later that she could and should have taken some steps to prepare for divorce before launching into it with the filing and service of the divorce complaint. Why hadn’t anyone told her?
Preparation
If you know divorce is coming, either by your choice or your spouse’s choice with advance notice to you, then you may be able to do a few things to make it go better for you. You also have a few things that you should not do, lest you make more problems for yourself than you already have in going through a divorce. Prepare, if you can. A little preparation can go a long way toward making the divorce process more manageable, especially in the early stages when things can get a little crazy.
Mental
Prepare yourself mentally, if you can. Don’t be naive about your coming divorce. Things may go reasonably well, but a lot of times they don’t go as well as they could and should. You and your spouse may intend to be reasonable throughout your divorce. But intentions are one thing, while emotions are another. And then again, you may already suspect that your spouse is going to make it hard on you or that you, in your own way, may make it hard on both of you. So, expect things to be hard, emotional, and uncertain. Reduce other mental and emotional stressors, if you can. Take a break from your educational program, if you’re in one. Arrange for some extra time off work, if you’re employed. If you can avoid it for a time, don’t take on other new or extra things like overtime work, work travel, or caring for elderly parents. Ask others to pick up the slack until your divorce is over or well in hand. You’ll make it up to them later.
Physical
Just as you should try to get yourself into your best possible mental and emotional state before your divorce proceedings begin, try to do the same with your physical condition. If you need to get a minor surgery or some dental work out of the way before it turns into a more-serious health problem, then do so. Otherwise, it might suddenly worsen in the midst of your divorce, when you’re least able to handle it. If you need to improve your diet and exercise, and drop a few pounds, make what improvements you can now, so that you’re not falling further apart under the stress of your divorce. The little extra discipline around nutrition and exercise can be just the sort of thing to keep you focused on your well being through your divorce. But on the other hand, don’t commit to training for a marathon just when you’re preparing for divorce. Keep it real, keep it simple, and keep it reasonable. And if you do improve your physical health on the way into a divorce, you may just feel better than ever when the divorce is through.
Financial
Your finances early in your divorce can be the hardest thing to manage well, unless you prepare for the challenge. Divorce of a married couple living together typically involves turning one household into two households. Unless one or both of the divorced spouses promptly move in with others, the housing and household costs of supporting the newly separated and divorcing spouses can instantly go up, even doubling. So, cutting back on those household expenses as much as reasonably possible, building some extra savings or getting some help from family members, and, if you’re planning to promptly move out of the marital residence, arranging for reasonable-cost alternative housing, can all be critical preparation steps. Without diverting marital accounts or other assets, quietly build yourself a fortress balance sheet, to borrow a famous banker’s phrase. Put your finances in a position to weather the coming financial storm. Reduce debt and ongoing financial commitments, and plan a new household budget for after separation and through the divorce.
Familial
Preparing certain close family members for your coming divorce can also reduce the stress of the divorce filing and garner you critical family support. You probably don’t want to let the proverbial cat out of the bag entirely, by announcing it to the whole family. Doing so could cause more havoc than help. But confidentially telling an adult sibling with whom you are especially close or parents from whom you already draw emotional or other support could open a door for you to an opportunity that might vastly ease your divorce. That door might be housing, financial support, child care, pet care, or any number of other highly practical things. They might also have a thing or two to share with you that might either make a difference in your marriage or ease your divorce. If they instead learn the news after you file for divorce, and from another source, you may lose their proximity, support, trust, and confidence when you need it most.
Children
If you have children of the marriage, especially minor children still living in the marital home, preparing them for the coming divorce can be your most-important preparation step of all. You shouldn’t expect minor children to keep secret from your spouse anything you tell them, especially anything you tell them about your plans for separation and divorce. But if you and your spouse have agreed on a plan, then your children need to hear from you about that plan before you and your spouse begin to execute it. Share your plans, not the causes of your divorce, other than to assure your children that they were not the cause. If your children ask pointedly about causes, deflect with balanced statements looking to the future like we can do better for you right now apart. Avoid any attribution of cause to your spouse or yourself, like mommy needs to be happy or daddy needs to be free. And share your plans as they relate to your children, not as to you and your concerns and relationships. They need to know practical things to expect as to themselves, like where and with whom they’ll live, when they will see each of their parents, and if they will remain in the same school with the same friends. Consider the comprehension level of each child. If you and your spouse are getting along well enough, speak to your children together after rehearsing to be sure that the two of you can do so civilly, without disagreement or confusion.
Housing
You’ll need to prepare for your coming divorce as to your housing after separation. Many couples separate well before filing for divorce. Some couples separate just before or when filing for divorce. Other couples remain in the marital home together through at least the filing of the divorce complaint, separating while the divorce is pending or even around the time of the final divorce judgment or shortly afterward. Several states require divorcing couples to separate for sixty days, six months, a year, or even eighteen months before filing for divorce based on irreconcilable differences, without alleging fault. Most states, though, have no such requirement, instead allowing spouses to live together right through the divorce. No matter your timing of a separation, you’ll need to figure out who is moving out of the marital residence, whether you, your spouse, or both. And you’ll need to secure other safe, affordable, and appropriate housing.
Moving
If you and your spouse have shared divorce plans, then you’ll likely have had or will have the opportunity to discuss who is moving out of the marital residence and when, to prepare for the divorce. Obviously, try to work it out. Consider whether either one of you will want and be able to afford the marital home once living apart. You’ll need to figure that out in the divorce proceeding anyway. See a chapter below on that subject. If you haven’t shared plans and won’t do so before filing the divorce, for safety or other concerns, then you may need to presume that you’ll be the one moving out, unless you have grounds for a personal protection order. Without those grounds, judges are generally reluctant or unable to kick either party out of the house at the commencement of a divorce. You could, in other words, end up having to continue living together in the marital home while going through the divorce proceeding. It happens. If you’re the one moving out, then you’ll need to arrange for other housing. Arrange temporary housing. Avoid committing instantly to new long-term housing, such as signing an agreement to buy a home, until the divorce concludes with a consent judgment. Relationships, finances, and other circumstances can change quickly during a divorce. Flexible housing arrangements can make accommodating those changes easier.
Household
You may also be able to prepare for your coming divorce as to your household necessities and valuables. If you’re moving out of the marital home in a separation before or during the divorce, then you should be thinking about what you’ll need in your next residence, and how to be sure that it gets there. If you’re remaining in the marital home, at least through the separation and divorce, you may still need to separate and secure the household things that you want to remain with you, so that those things do not disappear with your spouse. Those things might be valuable jewelry items, technology items, or items connected with your work. They might also be cookware, dinnerware, clothing, and accessories. If you and your spouse have shared divorce plans and can divide things together, all the better. Some divorcing couples face great conflict over sentimental personal property, to the point of working out their deep-seated conflict and surface emotions in fights over silverware, gifts given between them, or pets. Dividing personal property in advance can be one way to see how great your conflict may soon be in the coming divorce.
Secreting
In securing your household necessaries and personal items, avoid any action that your spouse could later claim to be secreting marital assets. To secrete means to move and hide with the intent to deprive. To secretly remove certificates of deposit from a safe or other secure location in the marital home, to store at a secret location off site, would be secreting those assets. So, too, would be secretly shifting significant sums out of marital checking, savings, and brokerage accounts into new accounts, of which only you know the location and as to which only you have access. Secretly moving tangible items like valuable collectibles, firearms, or artwork off site to a secret location could also constitute secreting. If you secrete assets before filing for divorce, your spouse may be able to get a court order for their return, while also preventing you from any access to marital items and accounts or sharply limiting your access. Don’t make yourself look like a dishonest and untrustworthy thief at a divorce’s outset. It won’t go well for you if you do. If you can’t conveniently separate items without appearing to secrete them, then photograph or video record them, and list them, so that you can prove their existence and location in the event that they disappear with your spouse.
Concealing
Not only avoid secreting assets when preparing for a divorce. Also avoid concealing them, meaning to misrepresent where assets are, what is their true value, or what you’re doing with them. To conceal an asset, for instance, could be to tell your spouse that you don’t know what happened to a certain valuable piece of jewelry your spouse bought for you, when you know perfectly well where it is. To conceal an asset could also be to say that an old painting you bought in a garage sale is worthless, when you know to the contrary that it is worth thousands of dollars. To conceal assets could also include depositing an unexpected bonus check in a new account you’ve opened in only your name or minimizing the value of a huge new project that your business just won. A tension certainly exists between trying to put yourself in the best position to survive through a divorce and thrive afterward on the one hand, while on the other hand not appearing to secretly hide anything from your spouse that might be marital property that the two of you should equitably divide. But as in the case of deliberately moving and secreting assets, concealing an asset’s location, use, or value can end up in court orders punishing the concealer.
Accusing
Another thing to avoid in preparing for a divorce is any kind of false allegation or aspersion against your spouse, trying to gain any kind of advantage in the coming divorce. The prime example would be false allegations of your spouse’s danger or other unfitness to care for the minor children of the marriage, to manipulate child custody. Another example would be false allegations of your spouse’s domestic abuse, to immediately oust your spouse from the marital home at the divorce’s commencement. Allegations of these kinds are simple to make. But police and protective services officials have effective ways of investigating allegations, to separate the true from the false. Making a deliberately false police report can be a crime. Making a deliberately false allegation in court can be a sanctionable civil offense. Interfering with your spouse’s relationship with the marriage’s minor children could cost you custody of your children in the divorce. If you have true accusations you need to make to protect yourself or your children, be sure that you do not exaggerate them. Preparing for divorce should never involve any dishonest, fraudulent, or otherwise unfairly manipulative action. Protect and care for yourself and your children without harm or unfairness to your spouse.
